looks like a dick

There are plenty of people who might tell you, if asked, that I see penises where there are not, apparently, penises.

On the logo of a new Mexican restaurant. In a spiced dirty chai and a peanut butter cookie in the ATLAS building at CU Boulder. On your mom’s chin.

I bring this up just to say that looks like a dick could’ve been an equally valid album title had the Denver metro area looked a little more like a dick on a map.

I haven’t been doing a ton of creative things since looks like a heart came out. Earlier in the pandemic a person or two commented that they were impressed with the amount of stuff that I was able to do despite the world being a giant penis, and I said, “well I lucked out because all of this stuff was already planned. All I had to do was execute.” Little did I know how correct I was.

In the last few months I have been eating the giant corporate schlong of American capitalism. I moved. I got really into Call of Duty because Jake sucks. Some good things have happened too.

None of this has been creative, though, and that’s difficult. I used to fantasize about making money and leaving it on my mom’s pillow. And I used to fantasize about having enough money that I would live in mansion, and I’d have a second house on my property, and my brother could live in that property rent-free totally taken care of for as long as he needed to.

I recently discovered that one of the things motivating me to make stuff was a hope that I would become rich and famous, and then I could save everyone in my life. My family, my friends, teachers who supported me, that waitress who was really good to me at the Denny’s in Boulder — everyone could be saved if only I had a massive money cock with which to save them.

I’ve learned that I have to die to that idea. For a lot of reasons. Maybe the most salient of which is that I’m just not that important. People don’t need me to save them.

There are lots of other good reasons to make things, but I think there’s a difficult hangover at the end of a Jesus complex, and besides that there’s a global pandemic, and a move; and that giant corporate schlong isn’t gonna suck itself.