Dirty Thirty

I told Nancy that I had felt like I was too old for most things for a long time, so I didn’t think that turning 30 would really get me. But today I was at the clinic looking at my information and the 3 at the front of my age felt wrong. On dating apps, too, I used to feel a little bit weird when I saw a 23 year old’s profile. Now I feel extremely creepy.

If I had to guess, I think that I did feel like I was too old for things, but maybe I hoped that someone else would look at me and say, ‘nah, c’mon, you’re not that old.’ But there’s something indefensible about 30.

I think it’s probably pretty typical of me. I am a pretend nihilist. I’m not even very good at it. There is a thin layer of ‘who the fuck cares, all of this is meaningless,’ and beneath it there is ‘this is all meaningless and I CARE SO FUCKING MUCH SOMEBODY HELP ME."‘

So it was like that.

‘Who cares, I’m already too old’ vs ‘SOMEONE PLEASE CARE AND TELL ME I’M NOT TOO OLD.’

We were at the family birthday dinner and the cards were sincere and kind but there was that voice that went ‘these cards are pitying you. These cards are consolation prizes for you still being alive and being extremely boring.’

It’s not a very nice thing to think about birthday cards. And also, it wasn’t entirely like that, because the cards made me teary eyed. Maybe I was thinking, ‘these fuckers can see that I’m indefensibly 30, but they love me anyway.’

Nancy told me that one place to start might be to catch negative self talk, and to think ‘what would I say to someone I love?’

I would say, 'who cares if you’re thirty. There is no right way to do this. I am so fucking proud of you. I know that you don’t feel like you’ve done a ton and you’re not where you want to be but I am so fucking impressed by you every day. You’re my favorite person and I believe in you more than I believe in anything. You got this.’

And I’d also say, ‘you know Jesus did his best work between 30 and 33,’ and you would be pretty unimpressed.